When it feels like you don’t fit in.

Have you ever had that feeling at work, with your friends, or in your community, that you secretly doubt your abilities or feel that you don’t fit in? Are you counting the days down till they discover you are a fraud? Welcome, Imposter Syndrome. For me, this feels as if I am incompetent in my work, wondering when my clients will lift off the mask and call me out. In life, this looks like unease as I wait for family and friends to point out my flaws as a parent, wife, sister, friend. 

My stomach gets tied up in knots and I would rather be anywhere than in that moment. 

Alas, the moment comes, and there are two choices: ignore the feeling, stuffing it down to let it build, OR sit with it, name it, and ground ourselves back in reality. I don’t always choose the latter, and my guess is neither do you. Friends, it is tough and I know that it has hindered me from taking risks. Maybe you are thinking about the dreams you didn’t chase because you were afraid of being found out as a fraud, not worthy enough. Let me tell you, you are worthy. 

Tips and tricks googled on the internet will tell you the best ways to get rid of imposter syndrome/imposterism as this Ted ed identifies: talk to someone, assess and own your expertise, take a social media break, process where the feelings come from and the barriers that keep you from moving forward. These are all great and I encourage them.

I wanted to share a few more thoughts to ponder that have helped shift my view from fraud/fake to worthy of being present in the roles I find myself.

You are worthy to take up this space:

I recently moved to my own office for my private practice. I shared with my husband that I felt self-conscious about the noise I made when moving in, whether or not I was loud in my office, and whether or not the therapists would be annoyed with me. He stopped me in my tracks and said “you are just as worthy to take up space as them”. Does this mean I make noise regardless, and park terribly in the itty bitty parking lot? No. I am still considerate and strive to be a good office mate, while also, honoring my experience and needs of the space (which I pay to be in).

This can be true in other arenas too. It’s like the line from Tina in Bob’s Burgers, “I’m no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time, just like everyone else” At the end of the day, we are all unique beautiful human beings and we are worthy of the space we are in. 

You have the power to create and craft your experiences:

On those days I am feeling like I don’t know anything, waiting for clients and family to call me out, I do a mental check-list of the experiences that have brought me to this place. I then shift to evaluate where I have power. Lacking in information? Is there an article or book I can read to grow? Is there a mentor I can reach out to? Is there an old paper I have written I can follow-up with? Worried about friendships, am I reaching out? Find where you have power and make baby steps to challenge those fears and thoughts of self-doubts.

You do You.

This is one of my life mottos, and one I feel that is worth repeating here. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone or yourself, honor who you are and embrace it. Wearing stripes with patterns? Yes. Roller skates instead of walking? Yes. The fear of fitting in and not feeling like those around you can be heavy. Imagine the freedom in allowing yourself to be different and unique in your own rad ways. I will say, this is NOT always easy for me. Parts of my life look completely different than a lot of my friends and that has felt isolating at times, not on their part, but on my own preconceived notion and need for fitting in. This is a day by day process and thank goodness we can try and show ourselves a little grace. 

The beauty of these things is that when we engage in these steps and our kiddos, students, whoever in your life is growing and learning, sees you, IMAGINE the authenticity you are empowering them to feel. When you show them self-worth, the power to create change, and that owning your own rad self is possible, they can beginning to create that for themselves. I can’t help but wonder if these are baby steps in creating change makers who are empowered, loving, and embracing of other’s differences because they are able to first show this to themselves. Beautiful. 

How can you own the space you are in today? You are worthy, and your story matters. Until the next edition, peace.